Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 

Anime is truly becoming mainstream. Otaku now have their own travel book:

TOKYO (AP) - Fans of Japanese animation can now plan a vacation around their obsession with the help of a new guide called Cruising the Anime City (Stone Bridge Press) by Patrick Macias and Tomohiro Machiyama.

The paperback, filled with colourful pictures of anime characters and photos of stars, stores and merchandise, is a guide to shopping, hangouts and cafes where visitors can steep themselves in all things anime. The Akihabara Oriental Comic Theater - close to Suehirocho Station on the Ginza Line - screens nothing but anime. A chapter in the book on "cosplay" - which means "costume play" - lists cafes where beautiful actresses portray Sailor Moon and other characters. Or you can gamble your yen away at slot machine and video arcades where the games include dialogue spoken by anime actors.

The book also takes you to some of the real landmarks that appear in cartoons and movies, such as Tokyo Tower, a favourite location for launching (or averting) a movie-made apocalypse. Also on the list of must-sees are the six-storey toy display at the Bandai Museum in the suburb of Matsuo; and Taco che, an emporium for Japanese comics and related media.

The absurdly long link can be found here:

http://travelcanada.sympatico.msn.ca/Home/ContentPosting.aspx?contentid=05309ffe40f74385af21a
28d3f81c061&show=True&number=5&showbyline=False&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc


In other news, Mel would like to contribute to Today's Lesson, that being: when you're about to brush your teeth, make absolutely sure beforehand that the blueish substance on your toothbrush is in fact toothpaste, and not the similar looking, blue-coloured handsoap. Yeah, you only wish I was making this one up....



posted by Phillip at 5:59 AM

 

In a word, or in this case two: spam scams. They're not just for Nigerian bankers anymore, as this latest heartfelt missive from the UK directly to my Inbox proves. Grab your bag of popcorn, sit back, and try not to spit kernels out at the screen as you bear witness to some of the funniest idiocies and horrible grammar I've seen in a while:

Good day



I am Tony Fred Williams i am 14 years old i live in London

(UK) before my father die, now i live with my mother in

Scotland. my father is from London (UK) and my mother is

from Scotland. my late father Mr. Fred Williams was an

engineer in London (UK) before he die in a car accident

last year July 9th 2003. he left $50M (Fifty Million

Dollars) in his account before he die. The $50M is in

(First union national bank-na London Uk) i have been trying

to collect the money from (first union national bank-na

london Uk) but the Md Ceo told me to go and look for some

body that is old enough to help me collect the money.



I could have told my mother to assist me to collect the

$50M for me but my mother and father has devourse before my

father die and my father told me to not have anything to do



with my mother i dont even want her to know because what my

father told me before he die was not a lie, now that i stay

with my mother in Scottland she don?t even have time for me



all she do is to take hard drugs and to bring men to the

house to sleep with and she also hite me all the time. i

don?t want to have anything to do with her.I just want some

body that is old enough and honest to help me collect the

$50m from the bank as i am to young to take care of $50M.

Please i need your help if you can assist me to collect the

$50M from the bank i will give you 30% and take 70%. I have

the affidavite of claims that makes me the indeed bonified

next of kin to my late father Mr. Fred Williams which i

have show it to the bank . he told me to look for some body

that is old enough so that he can send the $50m to the

person in 24 hours. If you can help me i will give you the

user name and pass word of my father account and the web

site of the bank so you can access the $50million on net

before you will contact the MD CEO of First Union national

bank.if you can help me i will contact the MD ceo and tell

him that i have find some one who want to help me collect

the $50M. and i will give you is contact so that you can

contact him to enable him send the $50M to your provided

account in 24 hours after you have acceess the $50m on the

First union national bank web site.Please help me. I will

be waiting for your urgent reply so that i can give you the

contact of the bank and send you the last statement of

account of my late father and i will also send you my

picture and my birth certificate. Please on your next email

to me so reply me on my private

email:(tonyfred23@faithmail.com)







Best Regards



Tony Fred Williams. 

I'm not sure what amuses me more. The blatant disregard for legal and testamental prodcures, or how everything is written in the present tense. (ie, my father die last year, you snicker as you read this.) I think it's spam like this that creates cynics in us all. Though admittedly, there has been the remote temptation to write something along the lines of:

TO: Tony Fred Williams
FROM: Chaos, H. lordship
SUBJECT: You're a tit.

Or else that's just me ranting. Don't pay it any attention.

Today's Lesson: (which is more for Chance than anyone) it is counterproductive to suddenly be standing right where my foot is about to land as I step out of the shower. You will get stepped on, and I will probably break my neck, and then who's going to feed you...once you've feasted on my corpse and all that fun Poe-filled stuff?




posted by Phillip at 10:39 AM

 


No, seriously. According to this news article from CTV....

Seasonal misery peaks today: U.K. researcher
CTV.ca News Staff

For people having a hard time facing the world today, there's now quantifiable reason to believe you're not alone. According to a British expert in the seasonal ebb and flow of peoples' moods, Jan. 24 is typically "the most depressing day" of the year -- and in 2005 it's even worse because it falls on a Monday.

The University of Cardiff's Dr. Cliff Arnall singled out today based on a complex calculation of six mood-affecting factors. Arnall starts with the season's combination of shortened days and poor weather (W), and adds the post-Christmas financial burden of debt (D) minus monthly salary (d). Then, he factors that with a combination of time since Christmas (T), the time since new year's resolutions were abandoned (Q), and divides that by the product of low motivation (M) and the feeling of needing to take action (NA).

In sum, the formula looks like: [W + (D-d)] x TQ/M x NA

And when Arnall crunched the numbers, they added up to Britons' worst day of the year. And the equation would seem to apply to Canada as well, where winter often brings with it a blanket of depression that's been dubbed seasonal affective disorder, or SAD. More severe than a run-of-the-mill seasonal low, SAD is characterized by often debilitating depression. Short of escaping wintry climes for someplace sunny, sufferers can seek phototherapy -- in which they sit in front of a bright lightbox -- or turn to antidepressant drugs. Experts says moderate physical activity, however, can be enough to lift people out of a mild case of the winter blahs.

And already I'm inclined to agree with them. So far this morning, I woke up to Kitchener-Waterloo snow instead of warm Maui beaches, I didn't win a million dollars, and there were no throngs of worshippers bowing and scraping to me on the lawn in front of our building. Truly, this is indeed a terrible, horrible, no-good very-bad day!

In the meantime, I'm amused at how there is a seemingly mathematical formula for depression. It makes me wonder if there is in fact a mathematical formula for explaining why people can be idiots, and customers can be dicks. Let's see...many of the customers (C) any of us love to hate are rude. We shall classify this as (R). So to begin we have:

C = R

But as we all know, rudeness is an ever-changing variable, contingent on multiple factors including: arrogance to the nth degree (A)nth; and how bad a day they're having, which must be expressed naturally in a negative integer, -(D).

We must also take into account the fact that in some people, human DNA holds some problematic genes that naturally contribute to people's ignorance or idiocy. It's human nature to be rude, beligerant and destructive. To touch briefly on philosophy, in an ideal world there would be no service industries, as everyone would willingly place themselves in a serving position that only better elevates humanity as a whole.

But alas, we all have this destructive capacity to some degree. Naturally, we must combine this weakness with an individual's varying degree of arrogance, as one tends to exaserbate the other. The equation for rude customers then becomes:

C = (-D) * [(A)nth + (Gen)nth]

As customers, like all of us, have our bad days, this can be more simply expressed in terms of personality. How would you describe the personality of someone snapping at you? Rude? Cranky? Irritable? Consider all these and other descriptions that pop into your head, however. They are all symptoms of this bad day, not the cause itself. What is the leading cause of people having bad days, you ask. The answer is: stress. People are overly stressed and exhausted. In a word, they are haggard (H). So we can simplify -(D) in this fashion:

-(D) = H

Let's also not overlook the flaw in our own human genetics. Originally we wrote it as (Gen)nth, where genetics to a certain degree can contribute to some people being just plain rude. How can we simplify this to make it easier for the common person to understand? Well, consider: how many times have you encountered a thoroughly rude individual, and exclaimed, "What a tit!"

All right, admittedly you'd be more inclined to hear that in Britain, but work with me on this. Some people are simply stupid tits (T), no way around it. Or, if you're of the Canadian calibre, they're simply an idiot (I). There is no better explanation, and in truth no other explanation. In which case:

(Gen)nth = I/T

How else can we simplify this equation? Arrogance to the nth degree is also more commonly known as a superiority complex. In which case:

(A)nth = S

So when all is said and done, you wind up with C = (S)(H)(I)(T). Which would subsequently imply that rude customers are simply full of shit. Yeah, that was a longwinded delivery for a ridiculous punchline. Thank you and good night.


You Must Read: the Bunny. http://www.frozenreality.co.uk/comic/bunny/index.php


posted by Phillip at 8:22 AM

 

(Which sounds suspiciously familiar, and leads me to believe I've already used it before.)

It's been...what? A week now? I almost feel like I've been in solitary confinement, trapped in some dark little box and only now am being released back into the wild. To say things have been busy is a bit of an understatement. This past weekend I had to close down the kiosk and send all the winterwear to some other unlucky sots. This unto itself wasn't bad. Contending with Mel's visiting family while we were closing everything down, however, leads to many hours in need of catching up on sleep. But I did get a pricing gun out of the deal, so it was pretty good.

So Friday Mel & I got to take her mother and sisters on another whirlwind tour of downtown Toronto, introducing them to such wonderful things as Lush, Fashion Crimes, and just how vicious the cold winds up here can get. Equally interesting was the fact due to a slight unexpected change of plans, Shady came along for the entire ride too. I have never been so grateful for having packed her leash and sweater just in case. But I did caught up on all my manga out of the deal, so it was pretty good.

Fast forward to Sunday, where I get to frantically help whisk away the last of our kiosk's contents and pack away the computer, only to be whisked away myself to the downtown Toronto bus terminal so Mel's family can be dropped off and return to the States. Happily I had Monday off, and I spent it mostly staring off into space thinking, "Fire bad, tree pretty" and posting a 75-picture epic of me battling it out against a horribly-written, even-more-horribly-overrated fanfic. The fic won. But I did get a flash avatar out of deal thanks to a friend, so it was pretty good.

Between working shifts, Mel and I then visited a sick Kevin over in Brantford Wednesday and Thursday night. There were many discoveries made those nights, such as: Doritos dill-flavoured chips (oddly enough) taste pretty good; and that Blade Trinity has more cheese in it than the dairy section of a supermarket; and that the line, "Blowjob? Iron your pants?" from the 'Return of the Killer Tomatoes' movie has now become Mel's favourite line; and that when it comes to the Negima anime, at least the first 2 episodes of it, alas, you're better off sticking with manga.

I'll fully admit to being tired and still wishing I had another day off, which won't happen until next Tuesday, but I did get a Muppet movie on DVD for $8, and will probably be getting Muppet Monopoly for $30, so it's pretty good.

In other news, I managed to acquire on sale 8 alphabet letters for the "Classic Winnie the Pooh Alphabet" for a grand total of $27, which is a rather impressive feat since a single one will run you just over $10 after tax. Yes, I gloat. I gloat because I care...okay, so I care about me and how utterly amazing I am at finding this deal, but since it is all about me anyways, it's all good.

What? It's not, you say? Okay fine! Go read this instead....

Part 1: http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=7712

Part 2: http://pointlesswasteoftime.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=7981

Part 3: http://pointlesswasteoftime.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=8630&start=0

Part 4:
http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=8753&postdays=
0&postorder=asc&start=0




posted by Phillip at 5:55 AM

 

I find myself sitting here writing this little bit of nowhere, as the apartment is filled with the melodious sounds of Mel exclaiming, "Fuck! I cleared that fireball and the damned game knows it!" Currently, the score appears to be: Super Mario Bros. Two: 54, Mel: 1.

But let's move on to something more wholesome, something that can appeal to everyone in the family!

The library: a source for wisdom and knowledge. A family-friendly place of reputation and dignity, where you'll find only the highest quality of family videos and DVDs. So imagine the look on my face when Mel pointed out to me that our local library branch has the Battle Royale DVD, complete in all its resplendid glory right down to the red "Warning! R-rated for gory scenes of school kids stabbing/shooting/mangling/blowing the crap out of each other!" sticker slapped across the back of the cover.

And to think: we found this one in the Non-Fiction Video section too. Was there a BA Act passed that I was unaware of? Not to mention, I now wonder if I'll be able to find a La Blue Girl DVD in the Non-Fiction Video section, sandwiched somewhere between "Zinc: It's Not Just In Your Breakfast Anymore" and "Mommy, What's That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?"

In other news, I have found what I want for Christmas: http://store1.yimg.com/I/thundermall_1824_2183256

Ah, Puppet Angel. Who knew David Boreanaz would look so good in felt?

posted by Phillip at 9:34 AM

 


www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com



posted by Phillip at 6:22 AM

 

Last night, Mel tried to teach me the card game of Gin. I myself had never played it before; the only gin I knew was the kind you added to tonic water. So there we were, sitting on our futon couch, working away on our cards (with Mel having so many sets I'm sure she won despite me reaching Gin first) and munching on some chips & salsa, with Shady the dog curled up on a pillow on the floor, and Chance the cat spread out Sphinx-like on the back of the couch.

About halfway through, the game found itself temporarily due to random act of cat. You see, Chance decided to hop down from the couch, walk over our cards and sniff Shady to see if she was up for a play/wrestling session. This unto itself wasn't much of a problem. However, I've since had to discuss with Chance the problems of jumping down off the back of the couch, and having your back paw land right in the middle of the salsa bowl.

So we had poor Chance in quite a great deal of shock as his paw landed in something cold and squishy, whereas Mel & I were trying not to get him to walk with his salsa-covered foot all over the couch. In the end, while Mel dabbed away the salsa marks on the couch, I had the pleasure of lurching Chance over to the bathroom, whereupon I stuck his foot in the sink and ran it under some water. All the while Chance was staring up at me, and doing his sad little Dilophosaur-hooting thing in protest.

Ultimately, there was no harm done--neither the couch nor Chance was permanently stained by the salsa. And oddly enough, out of this arises Today's Lesson: aside from the occasional hair on the tongue, it's still all right to eat salsa that your housecat accidentally stepped in.

(And upon reading that, hygiene freaks everywhere are no doubt screaming at me.)


posted by Phillip at 5:31 AM

 

This past week has been a blur of running here, running there, and at times running around with absolutely no idea what the hell I am doing. Usually with the latter, Mel has been there to bop me upside the back of the head and reassure me that yes, I'm an idiot, but I'm a cute idiot and she's not done with me yet, so she'll let me get away with it this time.

Despite my work schedule not aligning itself properly with last Friday night's shindig (but naturally, the celestial bodies, which are much harder to move, can easily align themselves up and unleash unnamable and archaeic monstrosities whenever they want to), Mel & I managed to hang out with Mike & Sallie for a few hours. It's rather disconcerting to have spent a long time reassuring myself that while I miss them, it's never that bad, and then discover after our short time hanging out was over, it felt so much like old times again that I was ready to somehow subdue Mike, stuff him into a potato sack and smuggle him back to Kitchener, with Sallie in tow but not in the potato sack.

Granted, this plan all hinged on the unruly variable known as: "somehow."

Not six hours after this all came to its end and we returned home, Mel & I were them playing host to my sister and her fiance as they crashed at our apartment for the weekend. (Fun with police checks and the like for university courses.) Between work shifts, rounds of Halo 2 where I didn't know where the hell I was going let alone know what I was shooting at, rousing obscenity-named card games of Asshole & Bullshit (in which I lost all my M&M mini betting chips), and discovering that the dogs managed to get into a pack of their treats & devour the whole bag...it was rather tiring. Great, but tiring.

I've spent the entire day sitting back and recovering as best I can. Which roughly translates into attempting to sleep in despite Chance the cat's best efforts to bat at my face in a sort of "Play! Play!" gesture at 6am, and what has to be the loudest bout of Bollywood karaoke from our neighbours yet at 10am. But all in all, being able to sit back and think, "Gee, I have nothing I really want to do, or care to do, and this is great!" is a wonderful thing I need to be able to indulge in more often.

In other news, I think the Evidence Mice have decided that I am in fact a threat to their operation for global domination. This evening I was going to pour myself a glass of Coke from one of those plastic 2-litre bottles. No sooner had I begun to unscrew the plastic cap off, than there's a loud "pop!" and this white thing goes shooting up into the air, narrowly missing my nose, hitting the ceiling and soaring into the hallway. I've never seen a bottle cover behave that way before.

What unnerves me is knowing that this 2-litre bottle had already been opened the previous night. There shouldn't have been that much pressure to turn an inoccuous plastic cap into a missile designed to lodge itself in one or both of my nostrils, thereby causing me to gag and fatally asphyxiate. I'm not sure what sort of cunning yet deranged assassin is in the employ of these diabolical Evidence Mice, but one thing is for certain: from here on in, I'm letting Mel open all the 2-litre bottles....

OW!!!

And that just earned me a smack across the back of the head. Curse those Evidence Mice!

Today's Lesson: there is nothing quite so cool as being able to parade around with a shirt that states The Flying Hamster of Doom Rains Down Coconuts on Your Pathetic Town. (Go 'Voc!)

posted by Phillip at 4:53 PM

 

www.giantmicrobes.com/

I am currently staring Black Death in the face. Along with the common cold. And HIV. And a few other of the world's nastiest viruses. And instead of feeling awed and dismayed at something a hundred times more powerful than me which also happens to be one-millionth my size...I'm going, "Awww, so cuuuuuute!"

They really are some of the most adorably disturbing plushies known to humanity--right up there with cute li'l Chibi-Cthulhu's and plushie Shuggoths. Though I somehow doubt that we'll be seeing any plushie venereal diseases anytime soon. The conversations alone would sound wrong no matter what the context...

Kid #1: "Look, isn't my syphilis so cool?"

Kid #2: "Aw, lucky! All I got was herpes."

In other news, it's arguable how there are better ways to start off the new year than with a slight hangover from the night before. But then again, Ed the Sock hosting Muchmusic's "Fromage 04", a lambasting of the cheesiest music videos of the past year, makes it all better.

In other other news, I psychologically abused a drunken teenager. It happened whilst Kevin and I were walking his brother home last night, and not thirty steps from his apartment complex, we encountered some drunken kid who I doubt could legally drink. He was having a distinct problem moving in a straight line. Actually, he was having a problem walking up a relatively level street. Oh, who are we kidding? This kid was fighting a losing battle with gravity; it's a wonder he could move at all.

So as we give him wide berth, he fixes his glazed eyes upon us and angrily mutters, "Fucking queers. You guys are fucking homos." Now typically I would give such a person a dirty look, shake my head at their latent stupidity, and keep moving. However, I could not let the new year start off in such a fashion. It was time for action! I turned around, presented myself as flamingly as possible and exclaimed, "Out and proud, baby!"

Whereupon our friend stared at me with as much horror as possible for a man who's too drunk to figure out he's about to walk into a lightpost, and then shouted, "Fucking gays! I fucking hate you all!"

To which came my fa-bu-lous retort, "At least I get laid more than you, shrinky-dink!"

There was a lot of incoherent sputtering on his part. And then he walked into the lightpost. The new year's starting off rather well. Perhaps my resolution should be: to be more sacthing and acerbic to deserving buttheads. But then again I'd probably be fired from hoisting idiot customers up by their own pitards. (I don't know what a pitard is, but I'm sure it would be painful.)

Anyhoo, merry new year, season's gravy, and all that jazz.

posted by Phillip at 1:41 PM